I love my husband. Sometimes he drives me absolutely nuts. Like, want to build an actual husband-dog house out of rotted out pallets and stick him outside during a hurricane nuts. But most of the time, as long as he’s behaving, he’s welcome inside to cuddle and spoon in our nice warm bed.
For a lot of people, he’s not very tolerable, and I get that. So does he. There are no filters or gray area in his brain. That’s just how it is. When we were first dating he was a cheap, sarcastic, pain in the ass…actually, he still has those amazing qualities. What I mean is, he was a change from what I was used to but, not in a negative way.
I spent a long time in relationships with people who made me feel small. Ones who compensated for their actions with material things. In my younger years, I will admit, I was a material girl. I saw the problem in this situation but, didn’t know how to correct it. There were times that I felt trapped, controlled, and totally worthless. I wasn’t free to be myself, to wear what I wanted to wear, be friends with people that I loved, and even suffered from having to choose between my family and the person I was with. Sometimes, I was afraid. I was terrified of my future, for my health, my life goals, the people that I loved, and mostly, for my safety. I lost any chance of a backbone that I had and didn’t see it changing any time soon. To this day, the fear I lived with still haunts me in nightmares occasionally and while I am so happy for the paths they have chosen to follow, I still live with the repercutions of their actions.
When I met my husband, I was at such a place that I just wanted to escape but, knew I needed “safety” before I could run. My heart and soul were aching for someone to “allow” me the freedom to be who I wanted to be. Someone who embraced everything that I had to offer, and even the things that I didn’t. I needed to be shown a world in which you are brought up for your successes rather than shut down because of your fails. The desperation for appreciation and normalcy in my life was pretty severe.
At the time, I worked in an environment with 85% of the staff being young, really attractive girls similar in age to me. Not that I was totally insecure but, when my now-husband gravitated towards me and didn’t show interest in the other girls at our workplace, it felt really good. He was strong, handsome, different, and he was SAFE. I knew that when he was by my side, I would be protected. He embraced me for who I was but, at the same time, didn’t shadow his true feelings or thoughts. There were no filters. He asked what he wanted to ask. He said what he wanted to say. And he did things that no-one else had ever done and wasn’t afraid of showing his true self regardless of how other people may judge him. On our first date, he asked me to cover the tip. Seriously. I laughed. Looking back now, I can’t imagine our buffet, dutch, black and white date any other way.
Because I was very recently out of a long relationship and really learning how to find myself, I thought it was best that we take a break. He and I had been spending a lot of time together, more like every minute of each day, and working together. It was getting serious but, I wanted to make sure before committing for the long term, that it was him and not just because he was new. Two dates, with two other people later, and I quickly realized that he filled me more than anyone ever had. It was everything about him.
He appreciates money, in a way that it shouldn’t be used to compensate for behavior but, to be used wisely and as a sincere gift. He works hard for what he earns. He notices things that I wouldn’t and corrects things that I am too lazy to fix. He gets shit done. He just does. When there’s a battery that needs replacing, he does it. When the smoke alarms need replacing, he orders and installs. When there’s a family function that we have to attend that he really doesn’t want to attend, he puts on his big boy underwear and drives us (with a bit of bitching and moaning but, when we walk in the door, he slaps on a smile). All of these things are traits that he showed from the beginning. They weren’t for show and it wasn’t just a part of our honeymoon period. Beyond the extra sugary sweetness and courting that comes with the territory of a new relationship, he was real.
Although, his black and white mind, sarcastic comments, and limitations on spending really put a twist in my side sometimes, I love him for all that he is and who is represents.